Something personal

I apologize for the large lapse in posts on my part. I'm not saying it won't happen again, as it will, but I'll try not to leave such a gap between postings.

So on the serious side for a bit here. I'm currently doing terrible in my Thesis class this semester. My original proposed idea was impractical, lifeless and hard to execute. I think the idea itself is good, but my poor execution was due to being detached and trying to make something out of nothing. I do think the original idea will work, but I would need to change the entire execution and I just don't think I'm invested enough in it to do a good job.

The logical step would be to change my entire project before it gets too late. And for once, I took the logical step. My only issue with this is my new direction.

I've decided to do my thesis project on my relationship with OB and the impact his death has had on my life. This actually was my original idea for a thesis project. But I went against my first instinct because I don't want to think about it. Basically, this project will be my artistic life for the next 1.5-2 years and I didn't want to commit to carrying these feelings for that long.

Only problem is that I do. And I will. Time passes, but it really doesn't get much easier. Someone much wiser than I told me that it'll never fully go away. I am inclined to believe that. 6 months later and I still have to remind myself that he's gone. The curse of being so close to and similar to someone is that EVERYTHING reminds you of them. I know the 6 months is still a short period of time, but I have been getting good at letting things so. Chalk it up to experience with age, but I don't see the point in harboring bad feelings toward anything anymore.

Well, except if you got me thrown in jail. I'm still holding on to that one.

I think the part that scares me the most is that this is about as personal a project as I can do. I tend to operate with a certain level of detachment with most things I do. At least artistically. I write, but it's usually about something trivial. I photograph, but it's never highly personal.

This is. And that scares the shit out of me.

I've sketched and wrote notes on at about 9 photographs (so far) I plan to shoot. Every one will be a self-portrait of some sort, not unlike the ones I posted before.

It scares me in that I'm not overly personal, yet I'm proposing to document and show one of the most emotionally devastating moments of my life. And I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that. But I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I think to some degree, it'll be cathartic. To get it out, which I'm not known to do. This blog in itself is atypical for me.

So I'll be posting shots as I shoot them. Comment if you'd like. I get critiqued on everything, so I welcome criticisms and suggestions. I don't take them personally, even if the subject is personal.

K